Wow! 105!

So? My post about my memories from earlier today? 105 views. WOW.

Where did ya’ll come from? Tell me!

I’m just flaberghasted at that number. In just a few hours! Not even an entire day!

Please comment!

Pictures

I am scanning some of those pictures that I put into a scrapbook last year. My one spurt of some sort of creativeness. My sister was talking about some of these pictures and asked me to scan, and so I am.

She blogged some more, this time of my dad’s family, here.

Memories Part One

My memories are jumbled up. They aren’t as linear as my sisters (which you can find here, here, here, here, here, and here.) but htey are memories. These probably won’t be as long as hers either, but they are mine.

The house I came home to when I was born, I do not remember. At all. I see pictures, but they don’t remind me of anything that happened during those first two years of my life. There are pictures, which tell me that I enjoyed myself; sitting on top of a bit turtle, playing in the playground, going to the pool. Then there are memories that are not my own, but instead my mom’s and sister’s – like when BSIL took me to the big metal slide that was in the apartment complex where we lived during the summer. They have told me numerous times how I burnt the back of my legs, the steaming metallic surface boiling me as I slid down.

Most of my childhood memories come from the 9 years that we lived in Reseda. It was a brown, 3-bedroom, 2 1/2 bath townhouse that sat across the street from the park. A perfect place for a child to grow up. Beyond the park was the library (alongside a police station, which did come into play a couple of times during those 9 years).

I don’t remember meeting my best friend from then, Kevin. My mom tells me that Kevin’s would see some car type ride-on toy that I had, parked in our open air carport and he would whine to go ride on it. Apparently his mom came to our house and asked my parents if we could put it inside. From there, I guess Kevin (a year and a half younger than I) and I became friends. I have plenty of memories of he and I. Those will come later.

When I was little my sister was still on dialysis. I have memories of going to UCLA with my mom and BSIL. My mom would take me to the park that was near the hospital and we would walk. I’d feed the squirrels. I remember going along some street with shops and my mom would buy sweet, sugary crescents. We would walk by a shoe-fixing store that had a little statue of a shoe-fixer that was hammering the sole of a shoe. I wonder if it’s still there. Some day I’ll have to figure out where it was that we went, and walk by there agian. This was 20 years ago, or more. I remember playing in the kids-area of the hospital. My sister was still in pediatrics at the time (she was in her teens) and I would stay in the kids area. I remember a huge bunny that I sat by (but maybe that’s a memory of the picture I have with it), maybe I remember coloring but that may also be just the pictures my mom saved. How about the tricycles outside? Memories or pictures. I’m not sure.

Some of the time my sister spent at UCLA she was pretty sick and my mom had to stay with her. There was a period of 40 days straight that I didn’t see her. I don’t remember this, I’ve only been told by my brother. He was still in high school and he would watch me after school until my dad came home from work. This was before I started school and during the day, apparently, they had me stay with a neighbor – named Maria. I have a memory, that with time has become hazy, but it’s there. No one ever believed me, but I still have a picture in my mind of the house. Of this lady offering me some alcohol to drink. I don’t think it was beer, something else. Hard liquor maybe. I remember standing there, in the hallway downstairs, shaking my head letting her not that I did NOT want to try it. I don’t know if it was because of that event or just because my parents realized they were drunks and smoked, but they took me out of being watched by them and told me to never go near them.

More to come…

Stress & Frustration

My posts have been such downers lately, and this one won’t be much different.

I’ve been feeling pretty anxious today.

On top of that? AHHH!

I have to write a critique on a peer-reviewed scholarly empirical article for the Evil Class. Fine. But oh my goodness having to set it to APA style is maddening. I haven’t even been able to start. I got confused at just writing the title of the paper. Ends up that I’m going to print a different article and use that one instead of the one I had chosen. Better topic, article, etc. So I set off to print this new article I found.

Once again the internet is being screwy. I am linked wirelessly to my dad’s printer downstairs, and usually I hit print and it prints and that is that. This time? It started printing ONE page at a TIME. ONE. I don’t think it’s even done yet. I came back to the computer to bitch about it. Thus this post.

The disorganization of my room continues to drive me insane. I don’t have anywhere I can store anything, so there isn’t much I can do to make it any better. Which SUCKS.

Maybe I should skip going to Argentina this summer and just save money to be able to move out. But? I don’t think I’ll be able to move out until I have a full-time job, and so the $700-$1000 I spend on going to Argentina won’t really make a difference, I think.

Basically I’m frustrated. Completely.

C2 (the new guy) has his masters – so… I’m thinking maybe he’d be a good help at editing my APA style work. Maybe. I’ll have to see.

*gonna check if the printing is done* Nope. Still about 7 more pages to print. Great.

I’m starting to re-think this whole masters program thing. I just don’t think I’m cut out for it. I’m not the college type. At all. What’s the point?

Now that I’m looking at some of the printed pages I see that it is NOT emprical (that the authors did the research) and therefore cannot be used for this assignment. Great. So I have to stick with the first article which sucks and BLAH!!!

Determined

I am determined to do better.

Okay. I am determined to get started on the critique assignment AND have a good time with Lindsey AND go out with C2 and have a good time with him (and not ruin it by being stuuuuupid as I usually am).

Will this work out, though? Not sure. I get so frustrated easily – and because of my stupid back studying at a table gets annoying – especially when my nice, warm, comfy bed is so close by.

I had a good day at work today. One of those “I really enjoy teaching” type of days. Hopefully I’ll have more.

Today was my 16th day of work this month, which equals $2,768 before taxes! So far I have 11 days scheduled in March! That’s just under $2,000. But it’s early so I can still get more days for next month.

Prices for Argentina are going down slightly, which is a good sign.

Alright! Work time! (Make that STUDY)

Anxious?

This whole beginning to date a new person sucks. It really does. I don’t like it. I’d like to skip all the shit at the beginning – you know, the feelings of not knowing, wondering, etc.

Impatience, mostly. I’ve begun to feel like I’m about to have anxiety attacks more often lately. Which leads to my doc appt today.

The person I saw today, a pharmacist, wants me to go on Cymbalta. Which is also for anxiety and such… but I can’t take it at the same time as I’m on Prozac. So she’s going to send an e-mail to my primary doctor and ask about switching me from Prozac to Cymbalta. I have an appointment in a month and hopefully by then my doc will make a plan for it.

In the meantime the Pharmacist told me to keep taking the Zanaflex (the hallucinations are normal) and she gave me two new medications. The first is an anti-inflammatory that is more powerful than over the counter ones; Tramadol. The second is called Meloxicam. I don’t know what it’s for. Mostly because when they talk to you about medicines they shout out these names that I’ve never heard of before and then I can’t remember what she said. But I’ll take it as prescribed and we’ll see how it goes. The first med I only take as needed (as I would Advil), the other is twice a day.

Hopefully I’ll feel better in the morning. I’m supposed to get together with Lindsey tomorrow but that might be switched around. I might see her Saturday and then spend the night Sunday to Monday (since I don’t work on Monday)*.

I took those meds and I didn’t eat anything and I’m feeling a bit lightheaded in addition to the anxiety and sadness. So I think I need to eat and get to bed.

Writing.

When I was younger I kept diaries. Some were stupid. Some where just childish. I don’t really like reading them, because they make me feel immature. Of course, I was young – and therefore I WAS immature. Still. I did them all by hand.

I started my online journal at the end of my first semester of college. 6 years ago. Now, though? I feel like writing by hand again… just little bits. When I’m not at home, when I feel like writing. Sharing things write away because later I won’t want to talk about it or share. So I am. Today at work I wrote something up. Not in a notebook or journal, but on a loose-leaf paper from work. I’ll keep them in a box, I’ll decorate the box. I’ll make it so that in the future, when I’m turning gray, I’ll have something to look back on. Something that maybe, possibly my children and grandchildren will want to see and look over like I do with my ancestors things. Maybe they won’t, but at least they’ll have something to remember me by.

Something other than what is typed up. I will print this all out, keep it somewhere… bounded in a book type thing, probably. But I think there is something to say for handwritten work. On-line journaling seems somehow fake in comparison, to me.

So, while I will continue typing up thing here – because it is easier, I will also write by hand, when I am inspired to do so.

So tired…

The past two days I’ve just been exhausted. I want to keep sleeping. I guess it comes from having a four day weekend. Although Monday and Tuesday I woke up early. Whatever.

I like working, but I like staying home. It’s a dilema. I think that if I married someone who made enough to support both of us, I might stay home – when we had kids anyway. Who knows.

I think they (the fam) had planned to go to the mall this evening, but I don’t think I’m going to. I think I’m going to come home and curl up in bed after my appointment and see how I feel then. I wish I could push back time and sleep another hour.

Pain

My back hurts. Quite a bit. The med? Even with 2 pills and hallucinations does not seem to work at all. Tomorrow I have my follow up appointment, and so hopefully they can try a different medication and hopefully that one will work.

I took this little journal that BSIL gave me for Christmas to work today and I wrote about my date. I’m not sure if I’m going to type it up or not… but I’m going to keep the journal and I’m going to keep it and keep writing about dates in it. Be it with C2 or with someone else.

But I will tell you that it was a good date. I had a good time. I enjoyed myself and I hope to go out with him again, soon.

For now? Trying to not die from my pain.

A Date

I have a Date. He is C2. He is almost 32. He is cute. He lives in the Valley. These are all positive things. Now we must just meet and see how things go.

We are having drinks and appetizers at Friday\’s.

I don\’t know if I\’ve mentioned it here, but I\’ve always been a nail biter. BUT for some reason I stopped. Just like that. So my nails are growing and I like it… but now they are starting to be two different colors, white and a darker color… so I had BSIL paint them a pink for me. But I feel weird.  I\’m not used to having my nails painted. I don\’t know if I like it, I don\’t know if it will survive til tonight or if I will wash it off. I feel as though the color makes my nails look really big. Gaudy. Almost ridiculous. But we shall see. Better than the ugliness of my normal color, I suppose.

An update will come, but tomorrow, since I work. I get to go out and then come home to go to sleep. But I\’ve gone to work after sitting in class for 6 hours, so I think I can handle a two hour date.

That is it.