Dreams

I had a wonderful dream last night. I had a baby (how I got to have it, I’m not sure) – but it was so wonderful being a mom. Amazing. In the dream I was still young and so I wasn’t prepared financially, but it was still amazing!

Then I woke and realized it was a dream and it made me sad. I’m meant to have kids, I think.

We’re at the hotel in Mar del Plata.

I think 2 weeks is enough time to spend one on one with my dad. I need some time away from him. He from me as well, I’m sure.

We’re going to a private club that the hotel has (ie: private beach, etc). That’s not what I wanted, but I’ll do it for him.

I have over 35 bug bites throughout my body. It is really sad. Horrible. Painful. Itchy! Grrr!

I want to sleep. I’m feeling sad, lonely, unloved, etc. The cycle of a woman, according to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I think that book will help me in my future love conquests.

I’ll get some sun at the beach and work on my tan before summer hits at home.

Tired. Lonely. What else?

I’ve been in Argentina for exactly a week. It hasn’t been bad, but it hasn’t been how I remember Argentina. Why is that? Well, that’s simple – Gladys (my aunt) isn’t here. My dad’s here – but I get frustrated with him. I’m sure he feels the same about me, but I have to express my frustration – so here I am. Everyday, several times a day he tells me that I’m so “complicated”. Why? Today it was because at the hotel’s breakfast (included) I didn’t want to eat the fruit which had been there for a few hours and moved around and who knows what by all the other people who had eaten it. That made me complicated.

*shrugs*

Whatever.

I woke up in a generally bad mood today. Maybe it was because I had a dream where there was a secret door (something I get from a ‘novela’ I’m watching here) between me and a neighbor who was totally hot. Well we were both horny but avoiding each other. So we got almost to the point of doing it – and then… well, that’s when I must have woken up. So I woke up frustrated. I tried to continue to sleep, but my dad was ready to go down for breakfast – but he didn’t want to go alone. He didn’t like it. Have I mentioned that on Tuesday and Wednesday I ate breakfast by myself since he couldn’t eat anything (he had to fast).

So I’m upset. We come back up to the room and I read a bit and then I want to go back to sleep – and I do. But then he grabs the computer and apparently my mom came online and they started talking, but he told her I was sleeping and she thought I hadn’t had breakfast, so she told him to wake me up. He did. So here I am.

I didn’t want to be awake, I wanted to sleep. True, I’ve been doing a lot of that in the past week – but I don’t know what’s wrong. The weather? I don’t know. I’m just tired a lot. What can I do about it other than sleep?

I haven’t mentioned that my dad lays down to watch TV and he falls asleep for 5 minutes, wakes up, sleeps, wakes up and so on. But he claims this is not true. Not at all. Like now, he’s asleep. But if I tell him, he’ll deny it.

You might tell me to go out and spend some time on my own – but I have. The last two days I went out to Florida and did my shopping for a couple of hours each without him. So I’ve been away. Now he woke up.

I know I’m being kind of whiny, but I told you – I woke up grumpy. Blah.

I’ve been reading mom blogs. They are fun to read. See what they experience, etc. They all seem to be funny women. A couple are authors of mommy books. Books I’d like to read. Some day.

Something else that annoys me: my dad is pretty superficial I’ve noticed. When he realized he forgot his comb, he almost had a breakdown. How would he comb he measily hair? It was the end of the world. I got him a comb. But he finds other things. He only brought 3 shirts (now, we were going to be here for 6 days – he should’ve known he’d be wearing them more than one day) and one is dirty and the other, he claimed, was wrinkled so he couldn’t wear it. I never iron anything – unless it’s REALLY important. He was going to wear it out for sightseeing. He also complained that the hotel employees would notice that he wore the same shirt (the one that isn’t wrinkled or dirty) over and over. GIVE ME A BREAK! It gets me so angry that something so stupid is so important. No one is paying attention to what he wears. I don’t even remember what I wore yesterday, much less him. Why would anyone else?

Now he’s sleeping with the finger on the up button for channels and every once in a while the channel changes. He snores loudly.

Have I done enough whining yet? I’ll stop.

I am still alive.

So we made it to Argentina and the days have passed.

My dad had his procedure today and now we are both back in the hotel.

We first registered at the hotel Sarmiento Palace – but it was horrid. So we moved to Salles Hotel – which is lovely! A relief!

My dad is doing well. he’s tired and a bit constipated (I know, TMI), but other wise just fine. He’ll have the pee bag for a few days and then that’ll come off and he’ll be back to normal. We have to think we what we will have for dinner. He’s been living on Chicken for the past couple of days. On doctors orders. So he’ll be happy to have some meat!!

I am writing everything down in a notebook – and then maybe, if I have the time, will and energy I will type it up and post it. If not, you’ll have to just dream of what I’ve done and am doing here.

Love to all who miss me!

Awake I am.

Yes. I am. Awake.

It’s 5 to 6. Early. Too early. But we should be leaving here in an hour. I’m anxious but excited at the same time. I think the whole traveling with my dad is a bit nerve-wrecking too. He can be hard to deal with sometimes.

I’ll be okay.

But you always get butterflies in your stomach before making a long trip, right?

Well. This is it.

We might have to go to Ralphs and get some Quart size bags. Stupid FAA or TSA and rules and regulations.

It’s supposed to be very hot in La Plata – but tomorrow (when we get there) it’s going to be pretty nice. In the 70s. But humidity is in the 70’s as well – so that sucky.

I have everything I need – I think. I hope.

Wish me a good and healthy trip!!!!

Have fun!

Sleep for last.

So in less than 12 hours we’ll be leaving for the FlyAway in Van Nuys. It’s my first time flying to Argentina and being in Argentina with my dad. So that’s pretty cool.

I got some nail polish on my parents computer chair. Mom threw a fit. Apologizing doesn’t make a difference to her. Whatever.

I’m leaving tomorrow and she’ll be over it by the time I get back. Hopefully in the morning she’ll be in a better mood. My mom is complex creature and it is so frustrating to live and be with her when she gets in those moods. It’ll be nice to move out – and be close, but not have to deal with that. I’ll have my own place so I don’t have to live with it.

I’m getting sleepy – and although I don’t want to go to sleep, I will. I’m a bit hungry too, but no more food. too lazy to come down stairs.

Alright. Sleep.

Writing.

So since I was a teenager I’ve loved to put word to paper. Words together. Sentences. Paragraphs. Stories. However I am unable to keep myself at it long enough to create anything that seems worthwhile. Sure, I wrote many a fan fic, but were they any good? Probably not. But I don’t know. I want to write. Want to get all the weird and crazy things that go around in my head on paper – it just doesn’t happen.

One Tree Hill had its season premiere today. I was very excited to see it, and am interested in how it will work out (it is them out of college). I feel similar to them, as I am in the same position as them. Or, as the characters anyway. One of the characters – Lucas, is a writer. In all the episodes he talks at the beginning and ending. In a prose. In a way that inspires me to be as insightful as he is (or at least as the writer that writes his words). But I feel intimidated that I am not and never will be as good as those words. Which I shouldn’t be, because I am a different person.

Will I ever write? Now that I have time – I don’t do it. What about when I have no more time? What will happen then. Will I write no more. I have even begun to let this little piece of writing disappear into a few words with little meaning and of no interest to anyone, including myself. I write just to get words out. Maybe that’s what I must do to get some sort of satisfaction, no matter how small. So maybe this is significant in its own way. Maybe this trip will help me.

Or, it might break me.

I must still study for the RICA. I must study for that. I must pack away the things I need tomorrow. I have hours and hours in the next 3 days to do some studying, but who knows if it will occur. Then again, I always seem to want to study when I am anywhere but home. So maybe this will be a good thing for my RICA.

I feel like crying. Like tears are coming but aren’t willing to come out all the way. They are on the verge. But what are they there for? Why do I want to cry? Is it from being anxious of taking this trip. Of being in the home of my beloved aunt. Without her there. With the knowledge that she will never return and the end of an era has finally hit home for me. I think it is that last bit. Or am I projecting it onto myself. If only it were easy to tell. To know somehow exactly why I am feeling the way I do. I guess that’s what phsyologists are for. If only my anxiety would allow me to go there. Alas, it does not. So in my head these things are stuck.

I’ve stopped thinking about my aunt. I’ve been thinking about the delicious foods I will eat. The family information I might be able to gather. The people I will see and enjoy being with. The people that are still there. This, however, doesn’t take away the hole in my heart. Maybe that’s why I want to cry. Maybe it’s my aunt, still looming in my mind – a lack of grieving. Of proper grieving for her loss. This will happen.

I saw Lindsey today. It was very nice. Having a nice meal with her. Sometimes, though, I feel forced. I feel like I am not good enough for her friendship. Maybe I am not. I wouldn’t say it’s an unhealthy relationship – but sometimes I depend too much on her. I need to depend on myself or on others for some of my issues. She has other people she uses for support. Maybe I need that too. I had the people at Chevy’s sing Happy Birthday to Lindsey. She liked it, even though she warned me to not do that for her. She gave me a few cute presents, which I’m happy with. Although – I feel… what do I feel? I feel disappointed. A tiny bit. I don’t know.

It’s almost midnight and I want to sleep. But I feel this need to pour everything onto this journal. Something that no one will ready. (Except, maybe, you Lori.)

I’m not writing for sympathy, just for my own heart to take on it’s feelings in a different way.

Maybe I need to sleep. Get these things out. In my dreams. Etc.

Sadness.

I’m very sad to be away from my girls. But it wasn’t a tragic seperation like it’s been in the past. They were happy to go home and play with their Christmas presents. Which makes me happy. But I’ll be sad to be without them for a little bit.

Now it’s on to getting ready for Argentina. Tomorrow I’m going to a training in Santa Clarita. Then getting a shot at Kaiser. Then…. I don’t know. Relaxing maybe. Then I’m supposed to have a date tomororw night, but I’m not sure whether I’ll be up to it or not.

I’m just so tired right now. I have to get up at 8 tomorrow. Tuesday and Wednesday I’ll sleep in.

Thursday we’re leaving the house at 7:15. Hopefully we’ll have enough time for everything.

I’ll blog more when I am not so tired.

The End Is Near

It is near. I am sad. But a whole new thing starts as soon as I leave them.

It’s sad. I’m sad.

But I’ll see them in 5 months or so. Hopefully less. Hopefully I can take a drive up or fly up for spring break. It all depends on how things go.

Okay… I’m going to go be with them.

Anyone out there….

have the Apple MagSafe Airline Adapter?

I am pretty sure I’m going to take my laptop to Argentina, but I’d like to be able to use the computer on the plane. The flight will be 10 hours between Atlanta and Buenos Aires.

Although, now that I think about it – it’s going to be an overnight flight, so I probably won’t be using the computer on the plane anyway. I’ll take sleeping pills. And we bought the adapter for the other computer (a PC).

I do want to buy insurance for my computer. That’ll be about $55 for $1000 worth of insurance.

I’m so broke, though. I really REALLY need a job when I get back from Argentina.

Alright, Mika has disappeared, I’m going to go look for her!

So we all know…

That I am a loving person. That I want to be married, have a husband and children.

Well I found someone who wants teh same things.

We’ll see what happens. HAHAH!

My lips are VERY chapped. They hurt.

I’m thinking of taking my laptop to Argentina. Buying $50 insurance for $1,000 worth of damage or loss. So it would be how much my computer cost.

I don’t know yet. I need to decide.

Love. Not is mine.

Bye.