Hi my friends!

I had alcohol tonight. Left over from Matt’s trip. Alcohol alone is boring. I doubt I’ll have alcohol alone again. Boring. Much more fun with someone else. I suppose that shows that I’m not an alcoholic.

Talked to Matt for a short amount of time this morning. He went to get dinner and then I had to take my mom to the hospital. We went to dinner afterwards. Very yummy. My mom really enjoyed it.

Today is 10 years since Princess Diana passed away. It is also my brother in law’s 40th birthday. Wow he’s old.

I remember that my family and I had just moved to Chatsworth. My ex neighbor in Reseda had purchased my best friends house and so I went over to help them with moving into the new house. I babysat the little girl they had, Angelica. I was watching the news with I don’t know who and that’s when I found out.

It’s weird to think that I remember exactly where I was 10 years ago.

I’m watching Dateline episode about Diana.

The alcohol is making me very tired and sleepy.

Hi!

So yesterday was Mika’s first day of school.

Isn’t she adorable?

So I went to Education Station today… I love that store! I wish I could go and buy everything! I will… but first I need to have my own classroom. So in a year… I’ll be doing this shopping. Getting supplies. Getting my own classroom ready for me.

It is 10:40 pm and it is 84* outside. Yup. That’s right. We have the AC on and I have the fan blowing too. It’s still hot. Laptops don’t help though.

Mom has a mammogram tomorrow afternoon. So I’m going to take her to the appointment and then she and I are going to go to Maggiano’s an Italian restaurant which is supposed to be really good. We shall see how that goes. Just mommy and me. We’ll share a meal and a dessert.

Ahhh it’s hot!

So I haven’t talked to Matt today. Maybe he’ll be online before I go to sleep… but I might be asleep in the next hour or so.

I’m frustrated with the lack of school work when school is in. I have 3 different reading assignments but since they aren’t due for another week I don’t feel the need to do them. But maybe I’ll do it tomorrow. Do reading. Read what it is I need to read. Although I am told that I don’t need to read the books for the class… but I want to. I want to learn about these things. Hopefully the books will have useful information. Something I can learn and use, put into use in my own classroom. I also bought a book for Subsitutes with these different activities cards. The cards have instructions for different things so that when I run out of things to do in a sub class I’ll have something else to give them.

I miss Matt. I’ve been trying to sort my feelings to some extent. Trying to see what comes and goes and what is just there. I notice that I do think of him, but not in a obsessed way, in a I care about him and want to know how he is, what he’s doing, what he’s thinking, etc, way. Which makes me miss him. If I don’t get to talk to someone, normally, it would kill me. I would go crazy trying to figure out what’s going on and I would think well if we don’t talk then, really, it’s not going to work and it’s not worth it. I don’t do well in those types of relationships. I need the constant companionship. To some extent anyway. But I don’t feel distraught right now. I feel like it’s going to work out, even if I don’t know when or how or why. It just will. With that I can go on… I can be 5,000 miles away and be happy, although sad and lonesome.

So I will make it. I can make it. I hope he does too. I don’t doubt that he will… it’s just my own personal lack of believing in men because of past relationships. Past relationships have left me sacarred and although the wounds have begun to heal, they are still fresh ones that have yet to be mended. These things will be fixed, remedied, mended, once things are stable and he is here.

He’s made comments that make me happy but also worry me, but I’m sure it’s more of, again, my unmended heart. For example, he says “we still need to get to know each other more before I move out there”. I suppose this bothers me because I see it as something obvious – us getting to know each other. We get to know each other each time we talk (with this he has agreed) but he points it out (at least once, maybe twice, I don’t remember). He also says wonderful things like…”I miss u, miss u, miss u….” and so on. Which is wonderful and makes me feel incredibly happy.

See why I think it’s just my head in my needing to forget and move on? Maybe you don’t. But I do. I understand what I’m saying. It all comes back to limboness. Not seeing exactly how things will go and when they will happen. I need to accept that things are up in the air and won’t be solved soon.

We did figure out that December 10th to 20th is probably the best time for me to go. Maybe 10th to 23rd? I want to see England while I’m there. Spend some time. Close to Christmas. Nice time. It will be great to be there. I’ll be free to an extent, which will be very, VERY nice. I might not want to come home afterwards. I will, but I won’t want to. But then I’ll go to my sister’s for Christmas and New Years. It’s far away, but it’ll go by fast. Once things start happening. September will be slow, I can feel it. But once my birthday (and the beginning of Student Teaching) comes around I will be busy and the next 2 months will go buy quickly… or at least I hope so. We shall see at that point.

I need to get my science book (I made a bid on e-bay, but it doesn’t end for 5 days) and I need to pick up the PE one. I ordered it but it’s on back order. Who know’s when they’ll get it in.

Alright… I’ve been writing this for over half an hour. Simpsons on TV. Married with Children coming up now.

Matias

Matt ended up coming online right before I went to bed. It was 6 am his time and he had just woken up. Funny how time works like that. We chatted. Good stuff. Told me how much he missed me….it was nice.

Nikki is sleeping right now. When she gets up we’re going to go to Education Station. I’ll get the lesson plan book they want me to get and get to look around and check things out.

But it’d be nice if Matt came online before we left. Say hello.

Nothing else to report.

Student Teaching

So Student Teaching starts on October 1st. I wonder whose birthday it is on October 1st. Hmm. Won’t that be great? So I won’t be done with it until the last week of November. So… really, there is no choice of me going to England other than in a few weeks or after school is over in December. We had a conversation (sort of) about this this morning (my morning). We’re both very anxious about not having times and dates set up. We both are the type of people that need to know when things are going to happen (although I think more so me), so it makes it hard on us.

I sort of want to go at the end of September… because it’s soon. BUT it makes sense to go in December. Problem with that is that if he’s going to come out here in January, then that’s not a very long time in between. So right now we’re kind of unsure of what’s going on. I’ll have to talk to him again and have an actual conversation about when we’re going to do what. Get things straightened out some more.

He did say yesterday that we are engaged to be engaged. Today, however, he also mentioned how we must see each other some more before he moves out here. But he also said how he misses me so much and wants to be back here now. So I don’t know. And he says it’s hard to talk to me. It’s hard to talk to him! Ha!

I went to my seminar class, that one only meets every other week. So… well, its going to be an interesting semester as far as classes and dates go. 2 classes end in 8 weeks, 1 meets every other week. 2 are normal, but maybe not so normal. CRAZY! For this class I have to go and buy a planning book (a specific one and they gave us a 15% off coupon for The Education Station) so I have to get that. I ordered my PE manual (it’s this huge binder full of PE activities – I think it’ll be useful to have for my entire career). That one cost $90. Which isn’t too bad, for it’s size. I’m just missing the science book which I’m trying to bid on EBay for but someone keeps trying to outbid me. I’ll wait until it’s almost over and bid again. Hopefully it won’t go too high… if not I can find it for a higher price elsewhere.

I was going to take the application to Simi today but when I was leaving school I saw that I have to make an appointment before going over there, so I called and left a message – hopefully someone will call back soon.

I’m feeling excited about this new semester but very anxious about it as well. Mostly, I think, because it’s such a strange schedule. School is closed on Monday so that affects it too. Next week I’ll only have class on Tuesday evening. That’s just… odd. Then on Thursday my parents are leaving to go to Laughlin and I’m taking care of Nikki that day. Maybe I’ll invite Lindsey to come over and spend that weekend here… keep me company for some time anyway. Dunno if I can get away with having her doggy here. But, we’ll see. Maybe just one night or something. They’ll come back on Sunday at some point.

Once Matt and I figure out things a bit more I’ll be calmer about everything. We are still in limbo and it sucks. The time difference doesn’t help at all. I mean, it’s 1am there right now. Barely 5 here. I’m going to e-mail him and see if we can set up a “date” for some time.

Okay… off to the mall with the fam I go!

Got an email…

from my Student Teaching professor… and it seems like student teaching doesn’t start until the second week in October… so that means I would go to England the last week in September. It’s gonna be like $100 more expensive… I don’t know. We’ll see how it works.

Now…. beddy bye.

Olive Garden!

Yummmm! Saw a commercial for unlimited soup and salad and breadsticks for $5.95 at Olive Garden. So I go on the website to see about this offer and I find a different offer! $8.95 for unlimited combination of sauce and pasta.

Yum to both of those. Hopefully Lindsey will come with me tomorrow. Get some cheap yummy lunch. Mmmm.

In Other News

So I went to school.

First class… umm… Management. Interesting. He let’s out in half the time of the class which leaves me with 1 1/2 to 2 hours of break before my next class. Professor is fine… didn’t get on my bad side. I think I’ll like him.

Second class is Science. Thank god it’s only a 2 hour class. This professor, I sense, will get on my nerves. Something about him… treating us like 1st grades to a certain extent. It just irks me in a way.

Last class is Health. Funny guy. It will be a good end to the day. It’s only 8 weeks long. He tells jokes, is funny… he’ll be good. He teaches at my alma mater SOCES. Woo! He began there the year after I left, though, so never got to see him. He looked familiar though, and I think I saw him one time or two that I stopped at CES since the end of school. High school that is. He also said that we’ll be out by 8 or 8:15 (it’s suppose to go to 8:50). So maybe Monday’s won’t be too bad.

Texted with Matt a couple of times. Mom made a comment today (or last night?) about how once I’m married she won’t support me financially – which makes sense… but it made me be worried about my last semester of school… and, everything in financial terms. I texted Matt and told him that maybe it’s a good idea to wait to April to get married, he asked what brought it on and I told him.

Alright. TV, food, drinks… something.

I knew…

I knew there was a reason that I thought David was odd. Something that made me not want to be in a relationship with him…

On his myspace he is supposedly engaged now. As of today. I called him blocking my number and it went to voicemail – which was him and this girl, Britney. I left him a message on his myspace and a text message.

I mean, it doesn’t affect ME personally – but because he was making out with me the day before he left for his trip… I wonder if this chick knows. Maybe it’s a gf from home or something. But, she should know. Is it my place to tell her? I don’t know. I might though.

Boys are evil sometimes.

ps…

have I mentioned my room smells like roses?

I suppose I don’t know.

I guess I don’t really know how to express my happy emotions pretty well. I told Lisa that I think it’s because I’m afraid that I would sound cliche. That maybe things spiral down and burn up and then I have to eat my words. Better keep the happy words to myself. Let myself know how happy I am but play it safe publicly. Maybe that way I can not seem as “hurt” or “angry” or “upset” if things go bad.

Maybe it’s my subconcious protecting me from others. Maybe not even things that they say to me, but things I expect them to say. Words I project onto them.

So, let me express myself the way I see fit.

But please know, I am happy. The only thing that makes me unhappy right now is that I won’t see Matt for 3 months or so. So long. But I have a good feeling. I’m not freaking out. I’m happy. I’m feeling confident. I’m feeling empowered. I’m feeling as though I can start living my life. Not yet. But soon. A few months. Maybe 6 months and I’ll finally be living to some extent. Right now I’m just stuck in the cycle of school, home, school, etc, etc. It needs to change. I feel it in my heart, soul… I feel it as I feel the need to change my room around but don’t see anyway to do so. How can I? I’ve had this room changed a million ways since I’ve lived in it. This is the most reasonable. The most comfortable. Still I need change and am unable to gain it from this room. I can’t do it somewhere in my life right now.

I applied… rather, e-mailed about that job. I am applying to the sub job. Which… I won’t go to submit tomorrow since I have to be in school all afternoon. Matt didn’t leave anything at the hotel because he wasn’t able to see anyone before he left (early morning). So I’ll go on Tuesday or later this week when I have more time.

Matt txted me. He can’t get online cause of stupid different country different Internet connections. His friend is going to fix it today (tomorrow…). Hopefully we’ll get to talk soon. I missssss him!

Anyway… I had turned my computer off and now it’s on again… *bad Kathy*.