*sigh*

So…

*sigh*

I hope I’m not disappointed this time. It seems different, but I’ve said that of everyone, haven’t I?

We’ll see.

Good test – the girls are getting here on Saturday – so I’ll be busy – we’ll see if he sticks around. That’s the true test. Does he care about me that much? We’ll see.

I feel all girly and giggley. But I’m not obsessed like I have been in the past.

My goals… I need to get the skin on my feet to not be so yucky. I have yucky feet right now. Even if they are nicely painted.

I’m getting fat. John doesn’t make me feel like that’s a bad thing. He keeps telling me I’m sexy.

Probably…

I’ll probably write a nice long journal tonight during class. I have a test – but after that.

He… is just so sweet. I trust him… I just have to be patient and careful with my own feelings. He made me feel better yesterday though.

I am super/was super tired last night and today – and that’s because I didn’t get home until like 11:30!

*la*

So going to a comedy show tonight instead of the haunted house. My mom scared me off of going to any of those. I hate it. And I hate myself right now.

But I’m very happy to go and see John tonight. We’ll go to dinner, whatever, and then the show in Santa Monica. I’ll meet him at his house (since it’s closer) and then he’ll drive us to SM for the show at 8.

I am on my sixth square. I need many more though. I haven’t figured out how many I will need, but I’m far from finishing it. I need to buy another skein of yarn in green… I think I’ll do green. Then I’ll need another of each color I think. I’ll have extra but that’s okay. I can always use it another time.

I really wish to be finished with this quilt by the time the real cold comes. So I’m going to go back to knitting now.

I don’t know anymore.

They say they do it for me… but it’s not. They are stupid.

I can’t stand it!

We go to the Pierce thing to go to the corn maze. My mom agreed to go (which is a rarity) and so we go (my sister comes too)… she’s been having pain her foot for the past week or so but she hasn’t been resting it. So we’re there for over an hour – me standing up and waiting for the entirety of that time and then what? That we need to leave because her foot hurts too much.

FUCK!

If your foot was hurting you should’ve fucking said something before I stood in line for so fucking long!

It’s all about her. I need OUT!

And Lisa and Amber – I read your posts. It would cost me about $400 a month to live on my own (well, with 3 roommates) and that’s very cheap for this area – and I can’t afford that. Between school and my car, I can’t afford that much.

I’m already crying.

I don’t know why these past few days have been so hard on me…I just feel their pressure on me for some reason – more instensly. My mom has alsways been a bitch… and now’s no different.

I want my own life. I don’t want to care about how my parents treat me. I want them to treat me like they do my other siblings.

I don’t know if my parents should have been parents at all.

Good time!

I had a really nice time last night.

The show was very funny. I was afraid it would’t be and that I would have to lie. But no, it was really funny and I enjoyed it very much.

After the show I waited outside for John and he came out and we put his bag in his car (which, coincidently was parked in front of my car on a side street). We made out for a bit…

He introduced me to his co-comedians. Just as “Kathy” but we did meet just last week. He held my hand and had his arm around me when he introduced me. We sat at the bar and had a drink. We stayed quite sometime.

He complimented me a lot and was very sweet. And as “different” as he says he is from other guys, I still have to be careful.

When we were leaving he went to say bye to some of the other girls from the show – and they were very, very sweet. And they were saying goodbye or something like that and he said “She’ll be around,”. How’s that. That made me me feel good since… yea. Well, you guys know why.

Alright… off to do something.

Why?

Why doesn’t my family care about me?

Everyone at work was worried about me working such a long day yesterday, especially since I still have the mono. No one here cared. No one cared that I had mono to begin with.

It’s like I don’t exist unless I do something wrong. Or if I want to go out with a guy. Then I’m satan and a slut and a bitch and I don’t deserve to go out and have fun.

I just want them to love me. To treat me right. Not to be mean to me.

I can barely see the screen through my tears. I haven’t cried this much in a long time.

They are always the ones that hurt me the most. Which would be okay if they were the ones that made me the happiest. But they aren’t. They never do for me. I do for them. I think of them, care for htem… and they just attack. They don’t care.

I wish I could afford to move out. I need only $400 a month to be able to move out, but I can’t afford that. There’s just no way. I make, maybe $500 a month – I can’t survive with that. My friend has her parents that pays her rent.

I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.

I tell my dad a few months ago that in 2 years I’ll be able to move out. And he gets pissed off at me! How the hell does that make sense? Does he just want me to stay his slave for ever? I mean, I’m 22, I’ll be just about 24 then! Am I supposed to be home and do as he wishes and not have a life? That’s what Gabriela is for. He has that with her. He hates Marga because she left. Because she was strong willed and got out of this hell hole. But not me.

I’m not strong enough. I’m to sensitive. I want people to be happy with me. And by doing that I’m not happy myself. I loose myself everyday. Everyday that I can’t be who I am. I can’t be honest with all of me, because they consider it wrong. I can’t be ME! I want to be ME! I NEED to be ME!

I don’t know why all of a sudden I’m feeling this way. Maybe it’s because of my long ass day yesterday. Maybe it’s months of shit building up. I could probably go back a few months and find another one of these posts… let’s do that for funs sake.

It seems like the last time was in July -although not a big ass cry fest like this one.

Part of it, I suppose, is not having friends like I’d like to. Be then if I did, it wouldn’t work anyway. No one stays with me. Well, Lindsey does…, but she’s in her own world.

Like I said in July. I want it all over with.

Grrr!

I can’t stand my mom sometimes.

For the past 6 months or so she’s been “revamping” the house. Stressing the fuck out of all of us. Bitching at us if we don’t do things the exact way that she wants them done, if we don’t help out exactly how she wants us to at the exact moment she wants us to do it.

She bitches at the workers if they don’t do it exactly how she wants it. If we agree with the workers, then we’re the devil. She’s always right, we’re always wrong.

I’m SICK OF IT! I want to get out of this fucking house! I fucking wish I could afford it!

Who wants to go to Knott’s Scarry Farm with me?

What I wrote in class last night…

6:55pm

My class starts in five minutes. I don’t want to be here. I ran into an old classmate – we had an English class together. I don’t remember which one… maybe LJ will hold the secret for me. She started dating the guy we were in a group with – she said they are still together – 2 years… her name is Catherine, I remember.

2 years. I’m trying to keep one to last long enough to get it to the point where it will actually be called a relationship.

This guy seems like a good possibility. He was very open about wanting it to go forward between us.

I told him that it had been the other girl he was talking to that he had made a date with at 5… (I know realize that I was wrong on the time… I’ll apologize again) he said, rather, admitted that he did have another date set up. He had e-mailed me and others, and me and one other girl had been the only ones to respond.

He had no reason to mention this to me… At this point it seems bad, right? but he said (without any prompting on my part) that he was going to cancel it. He said that he really likes me – talking with me – so he has no need to talk to or go out with anyone else. The way he said it specificallly was reallys weet. He made me believe what he was saying.

Today we were talking online and I asked him if he had cancelled his date, and if he hand’t that it was ok. That I understood. He responded that he had already cancelled it. I asked him teasingly if that meant that I had to cancel all my dates. He told me that I did. I asked him why and he said tha tI had to cancel dates with any men, women or barnyard animals… so I asked why again and he said that it was because I had found him… that he is a REAL catch… haha.

I went on to tell him that I was the real catch.

I’ll talk about what we talked about online in a bit…

When I first saw him I couldn’t say that I was terribly attracted to him. I had thought about faking a phone call even. It was kind of awkward while we were waiting to get a table at Friday’s… once we got to a table and started talking there things got a lot bettwer. I felt totally entranced with what he talked about. He looked at me in the eyes…

I actually felt nervous when we were talking…. not anxious, but I just hoped that I wasn’t making a fool out of myself. Apparently I didn’t, he wants to see more of me.

I think it’s good that we started off being attracted to each other by our conversation and not physically.

Of course we were/are attracted to each other physically as well, because it couldn’t work otherwise. IT might be superficial – but its a act. You have to be physically attracted, too.

We did end up making out for a long ass time. He is a very agressive kisser. I liked it. WE, for a short amout of time, during dinner, talked about how girls prefer masturabting than sex – since we can get off easier that way. So I went on to say that girls need 30 minutes of foreplay and most men don’t enjoy that… when we were making out he was kissing my neck – he mentioned again that he is big on foreplay. I must admit that I’m a little impatient, though.

We are goign to go to this authentic haunted house in PAsadena. We’ll probably go on Sunday. WE both wanted to go to Knott’s but there is no way our schedules will allow it. But the Pasadena one looks like fun. We’ll go on Sunday – it opens at 7pm… when it gets dark.

He knows that Mika & Camila are coming on the 28th and that I won’t have much time.

He ased if he’d be able to see me… if I would make time for him while they are here.

I told him… “possibly”. I said that he could take my niece (Mika) and I to get ice cream. He said that he would like that. It sounds like fun, he said.

I assured him that I’d be sure to make time for just the two of us.

Well – first It old him that it depended on what he meant – and he said that he was fine with coming to me while they are here…. as long as he got to see me.

All of it was really sweet.

I asked him if I could call him on my way back to my car – he said he’d be waiting…

8:15pm now.

So I stopped there and this is Tuesday morning.

We had a nice conversation – serious and funny – after I got out of my class. I’ll talk about it all later though, cause it’s breakfast time!

La… yea.

I want.. nothing.

So we talked this afternoon… and it’s nice. And I’m sooo repetative. Whatever. I don’t care.

I’m not really being hurt. The only time I was really hurt was with Aaron. The rest have just been coming and goings. They don’t matter. It’ll only matter when I actually love the person (which is different than falling in love, btw).

I made a mistake – we did say 5pm. I’m an idiot. But it was a few days before and I didn’t remember. I’m bad.

But… he forgave me… all is good. I’ll write in my class and then type it up. Cause… you know… that class is boring.